Asking For Forgiveness (Photo credit: hang_in_there)

Let’s cover some known facts. I’m a United Methodist pastor. The United Methodist Church is a Christian denomination. Christians follow the teachings of Christ. Christ was big on forgiveness.

Based on this, we should be able to draw some conclusions about a system of United Methodist pastors and United Methodist churches — and the way they interact. Let me offer you a few more known facts.

• Most clergy I know have encountered at least one church in the course of their career that is difficult for them to pastor.
• Most churches I’ve served can lay claim to at least one pastor who was difficult for them to accept, follow, or maybe even respect.

Some pastors and churches even part ways on very difficult terms. I’ve been that pastor at least once.

Sometimes, the problem is that they were promised one kind of pastor and the person sent turned out to be another. Conversely, pastors are sometimes told that a congregation would be one kind of church and they were, in fact, entirely different as well.

Other times, an issue or incident splits the congregation into “for” and “against” the pastor returning for another year of ministry.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’ve had many an excellent “changing of the guard,” if you will. I wrote about one of those with my friend, Jeff Rudy, who followed me to Liberty and Post Oak United Methodist Churches. In the wake of that post, I learned that most pastors experienced that joy as a norm rather than an exception.

When Things Go Wrong

But the fact that good moves exist doesn’t preclude the fact that there are those surrounded by difficulty. In the Memphis Conference of the United Methodist Church, there are numerous instances of hurt feelings that have been left to fester in both departing pastor and remaining congregation.

From my experience, the entire congregation doesn’t end up angry with the pastor. And yet there is hurt enough for everyone. For the silent majority, there is still the stress of the upheaval. Most experience a sadness at parting. And there is a very real possibility that there is frustration over a change that was forced to come about because of the discontent of a very vocal minority.

I hasten to add that pastors are not without faults. Even good pastors make bad mistakes. Sometimes, clergy take liberties. Sometimes, clergy cause pain and heartache with their misguided efforts. And, in some rare cases, clergy are intentionally hurtful and harmful.

Regardless of the source, when things go bad, angry words are spoken. Hurtful things are said — or done.

Cleansing the Wound

Quite frankly, I have sometimes felt the need to seek folks out and make amends.

But that’s not always easy to do. There are ethical rules that prohibit a former pastor from making some of these overtures. It could be seen as trying to undermine the current pastor. It could be seen as an attempt to jockey for a return appointment.

Because of this ethical quagmire, perhaps it would be in everyone’s best interest to involve  the leaders of our denomination in providing some leadership in this particular area.

One thing is certain: The question of forgiveness and mercy remain whether we have a structure in place to address them properly or not.

St. Isaac the Syrian once said, “Ever let mercy outweigh all else in you. Let our compassion be a mirror where we may see in ourselves that likeness and that true image which belong to the Divine nature and Divine essence. A heart hard and unmerciful will never be pure.” He is also the genius behind the saying: “Someone who bears a grudge while he prays is like a person who sows in the sea and expects to reap a harvest.”

Imagining a Different Future from a Difficult Past

So I began with a simple question:

What does it look like for pastors who left on bad terms to return for reconciliation?

I would imagine that it would involve a table, either for sharing a meal or for sharing communion — or both. If there is communion, then that would mean worship. A neutral pastor could provide leadership, perhaps with the assistance of a lay person with skill in the ministry of reconciliation.

Personally, I would want to be able to make confession. I pray that there might be pardon. You may have noticed that much of these acts are included in our Service of Word and Table, more commonly known as communion. Isn’t that what this is all about?

One would think that there would be a Superintendent to approve the gathering, perhaps to  attend. Best scenario: He or she might actually oversee the work — especially if groundwork needed to be laid before any reunion could be possible.

Reasons Why Not?

What does it say about us here in the Memphis Conference that we don’t often do such a thing? Are my experiences so rare that this just isn’t a big deal for anyone else? I hardly think so, given the nature of so many conversations I’ve had with church members and pastors alike.

Do we think so little of the people of our churches that we assume that it cannot be done and leave it alone? Perhaps. But I think we fear a failure that will make things worse. After all, we are admonished to first, do no harm.

And yet, it would seem that there must be some tenable situations. There must be willing pastors and congregations who could model this for us all.

Could it be a theological issue? A faith issue? Do we think so little of our God that we think on it yet fail to act for fear that all the forgiveness-talk we have from Jesus was just hype?

Even worse, do we fail to consider it at all? At times, I’ve been more comfortable with grudges than the hard work of forgiving — and being forgiven.

I know that there are plans in the works to prevent these situations before they ever happen. There has been talk in the last decade around the need for a team of mediators for our conference: Trained personnel who could come in and frame a healthy conversation aimed at renewing community, encouraging forgiveness, and dealing honestly with issues.

Even if this team were to come into being tomorrow, there are still pastors and churches in need of reconciliation. There are still churches and pastors alike who are left holding grudges.

In the End, “I Don’t Know”

As it turns out, I don’t have much in the way of answers. For now, I think I will pray on them instead. I ask you to join me in prayer — and conversation.

But first, a note about comments: Please edit yourself and do not share harmful stories of past difficulties with a pastor or congregation. Those comments will not be approved.

Please do share any thoughts you have on the possibilities for broken relationships to be mended. I’m specifically hopeful that we’ll hear some concrete, repeatable methods for accomplishing such a thing. Thank you in advance for playing nicely and writing grace-filled words.

Specifically in our broken pastor/congregations relationships, how can we model the grace and forgiveness that is central to our faith?

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