If you don’t manage it, it will manage you. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

People sure do carry a lot of anger and frustration around.

I’ve had a dozen conversations this week about how to deal with difficult people, how to control anger and frustration, and methods of calming an anxious spirit.

Perhaps, this is a good time to share some wisdom I’ve discovered and advice that I’ve been offered.

Anger Isn’t a Bad Thing

According to Scripture, wrath is the bugaboo, not anger. Paul says, “Do not sin in your anger.” And he advises that we not hold on to it.

That said, anger is a part of our response to the world around us. Jesus cursed a fruitless tree and overturned tables in the temple complex to demonstrate his frustration.

Anger must be identified and addressed. Otherwise, the buildup of pressures will eventually make its own way into the world.

A friend asked me a tough question this week. “How do I love people who don’t deserve it?” The short and very hard answer is, “You love folks who don’t deserve it in the same way that God loves you: Despite the sins.”

The issue that spurred his question concerned folks who are taking more than they need and not working for what they take. My response was that his anger was justified. But turning his back on those folks was not justified. Loving our neighbor doesn’t always mean that we feel warm and fuzzy about someone. How can we engage with them, as much to change them as to change ourselves?

The nature of covenant relationship means that we hold up our end of the deal even if others do not. When we turned away and our love failed, God’s love remained steadfast. Because we earned it? Hardly. Covenant is about keeping faith when others fail.

But there are some limits. More on that in a bit.

Difficult Relationships Are Often Worth It

Friends ask me frequently, “Can I just move on? Do I need to put this in my past?”

I’ll answer with a question: Have you done all you can (or should)? Or are you just done trying?

There are times when a tough relationship is an opportunity to grow you in some way. I’m not talking about abusive relationships. I’m talking about that co-worker who says what she thinks before considering the consequences. I’m talking about that relative who spouts his political opinions (that he just heard on TV) without realizing that there are rational, thinking individuals who can and do disagree. I’m talking about that group of folks who think you are going to hell because you don’t conform to their beliefs.

There are times when we have the ability to learn from our detractors. There are times when we have the opportunity to make inroads with our enemies. Jesus engaged the Pharisees, even though it cost him his life. And one of those men changed his mind. Nicodemus discovered that he could be “born from above,” and take on life anew with a second chance from God.

What if Jesus hadn’t met Nicodemus where he was, surrounded by conformist nay-sayers who criticized every word from Jesus’ lips?

Jesus also knew when to leave the angry mob behind. The trick is to know when to move on.

“The Dust from Your Sandals”

I have colleagues in ministry who are sometimes eager to head to the next congregation. I’ve been that pastor myself, once or twice.But I repented of it.

“Shake off the dust of your sandals as a testimony to their ignorance.” Reject them as they have rejected the gospel. Makes sense, and it feels good. But what if they rejected my method of sharing the gospel. What if I mismanaged the message and got in the way?

The same can be said of a tough relationship. Before I pick apart the problems that caused the bad blood, I have to be willing to address my role in the relationship.

The only thing harder than addressing my issues is addressing someone else’s issues. Why? Because I can only guess and deduce the motives of another human being. I may be right, but there are just as many opportunities to screw that up as there are to nail it.

The reason is simple: My blind spots often cause me to project my own failings onto others. In short, don’t deal with a situation based on someone else’s motives. Quite frankly that’s none of your business.

Deal instead with the behaviors that impact you. Address them with honesty and give words to your emotional response.

When you said/did ________, I felt ___________.

If you are fortunate, then the response will be concern — perhaps even apology. But if the response is to blow you off, you have to decide if seventy times seven means anything to you.

Where to Draw the Line

If you are thinking that I’m about to urge you to stay in that abusive relationship to “preserve the marriage covenant,” then you are wrong. If you thought I was going to ask you to “keep this out of the courts to preserve the Church’s witness,” then you are wrong.

Yes, covenant means keeping your word even when others do not. But there is a point at which the covenant is dissolved. Why? Because the notion of covenant revolves around the assumption that there is a relationship that is more important than any contract.

You cannot claim to be in right relationship with someone who is abusing you. You cannot be expected to keep the faith in light of another person’s desire to abuse you through the confines of a broken covenant.

Abusive situations — even situations that only appear to be abusive — must be turned over to those authorities best qualified to deal with the investigation and subsequent accountability.

When and if the authorities find criminal abuse or neglect, then the Church must respect that authority and move to a position of ministry and comfort.

And when the criminal justice system finds no fault? Where possible, the restoration of community is the ultimate goal. But this isn’t always possible.

Sometimes, there is deep and abiding pain that comes about as a result of broken relationship. A person’s behavior doesn’t have to fall in the category of “criminal” to cause harm of this sort. Reconciliation is not always possible.

The Decision to Try

Our relationships are so fickle in the modern era. Blame soap operas. Blame dime-store romances. Blame television, movies, and magazines.

But the ultimate authority and responsibility rests with each of us. Are you willing to try to make your relationships better? Are you willing to try to be a better friend or spouse or parent?

What relationships can you improve by being a better participant?

How do you deal with friends and family when you are angry with them?