Closure: More than “Cut and Run”

Closure Closure is something very few people understand completely. I know this because so many people ask me about it, or assume that it is always portrayed accurately in the movies and on television.

So I’m going to try again here.

Let me start by saying that closure is not cutting off the past without dealing with unmet expectations, failures, and hurts. I know that there is a large number of people who think that that’s exactly what closure is. And an even larger number of people who want to believe. I believe that this is so because it is easier to cut off the past. But if you want healthy closure you’re going to have to deal with your demons. Most folks don’t need a counselor to get closure. If you do, call someone today. I recommend Christian counselors, mostly because they believe in redemption. In the last three months alone, I’ve encountered three secular counselors who were recommending “social amputations.”

“Move on to the next relationship.” “Cut all ties with those people.” “Why are we still talking about this?” “Put the past behind you.” All of these things suggest that it will just go away if you stop dealing with it.

This is fine for abusive spouse situations. If he’s hitting you, get to safety. It also tends to work with acidic, toxic relationships. Get some space, then consider working on closure later.

But for folks who are dealing with the dirty hangnails of life, it won’t help to cut all ties and run. In fact, you will likely find that the problems you are fleeing will be waiting for you at the next stop. Ask the guy who got tired of his last four wives, or the woman who is still waiting for Mr. Right. Ask the complaining employee who quit the last four jobs and can’t figure out why he can’t find the perfect job. Because life isn’t perfect, and we are challenged to grow and learn and rise to the challenge of making it better.

If you want your marriage to work, review the things that you’ve done to break it. Have you invited God in? How can YOU make the relationship better?

If you want your job to be more fulfilling, review the things you’ve done to make your own work harder. Have you dedicated your work to God as a sacrifice of obedience? How can YOU make the workday better?

If you want your kids to behave like angels, review the things that you’ve taught them and the things you’ve done to show them how to live. Have you commited yourself as a parent and your children to God? How can YOU exemplify a solid child/parent relationship?

If you want closure, you will have to work for it — and stop blaming others for it.

You may very well need help doing it. If you think for one second that you might need the advice of a pastor, christian counselor, or trusted friend, then get on the horn RIGHT NOW and make the connection.

Once you have your guide in place, if you need one, start the process.

Here’s how:

Take an inventory. Make a list of the things that are bothering you. Include people, situations, hurtful words. There are many things in your past that you have probably left undone. When I counsel folks, I’m basically asking them to open up their garbage bag. I ask them to remove their trash, gingerly and carefully, and put it on the desk or table. And then, we start examining it. We look for more. We look for the garbage under the garbage. You might resent your husband because he reminds you of your 4th grade math teacher, or because they both have annoying habits. Either way, the garbage is yours. The answer is always “in here.” That leads us to the next step:
Own the Problem. All I can do is help you deal with what you are carrying around. Need proof? Ask the snoring spouse how well he sleeps. See? He has no problem with it. While that doesn’t preclude the need for you to work together, you should be willing to admit that you are the one with the problem and he is simply the cause of the problem. As tempting as it is to just remove the cause, most of the time, you can’t. Own the problem, and then you can start looking for solutions.
Pick the hard stuff. You probably expected me to start with something easy; or maybe just deal with the small things at first. But that’s not the way to do it. If you want closure, you’re going to have to start with the things that hurt you the most — or the things you’ve done to hurt others. Once you’ve dealt with the 600 lb. gorilla in the living room, the bunnies and puppies will be easier to clean up after. Trust me.
Be honest. It’s not going to do you any good at this point to make excuses. There are bigger things to deal with, like your future. Say it out loud. Write it down. Get it out, and say it honestly. If you don’t like your wife because she doesn’t clean up after you, say it. Be honest about how you feel. But you should know that being honest about how you feel doesn’t make you right. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean the rest of the world has to stop and agree. (In other words, be prepared for someone to point out that wives are not maids.)
Identify the brokenness. This one is important, because most people just point to something or someone and indicate that as the problem. But the problem is much deeper. It has more to do with the relationship. What is that problem? You may be revisiting this issue again and again for a while. Sometimes it takes a while to come to terms with the truth. But once you have, you will have a better grasp of the situation.
Make a plan. If you can identify the problem, you can probably begin to approach a solution. This may require you to confront some very painful or difficult situations — or people. But make the plan anyway. Identify the steps. Set goals. How will you know when you have done all you can do? When you have completed the plan.
Follow through. The plan is nothing until you have done something to make the plan a reality. You may have to come up with some creative ways to accomplish your purpose. The most common example is writing a letter to someone who has died. But don’t use this as an excuse to cop out. If the person who caused your gaping is still alive, then call them or go see them; contact them in some way. This is where a friend or a counselor can be of great assistance. A second perspective can provide that all important accountability.